Just A Few Thoughts on My Life....

The Evolution Of An Ordinary Baker, Part 1

2010-11-17T06:02:00.000-08:00

Soooo....it's been a while, but I'm back :o) My Granny's 84th birthday is coming up (yay!) and I've been assigned the desserts for her birthday celebration. I've spent a few days scratching my head about what I should do. My Granny is one of my favorite people on planet Earth (I actually have several number ones...lol) and so I don't want to just bake a cake. Anyone with coordination and a stove could do that. My Granny is special, and this is a milestone year (because every year after 75 is a milestone year in my book) so I want to commemorate the day appropriately.

Since her birthday is after Christmas and will be held at her church, I believe that I've settled on a dessert bar that features her birthday cake but encourages mingling and a lighter fare (I'm making the assumption that everyone will be still stuffed from Christmas dinner). She loves purple, so the bar will have a purple and white theme. I've made a terrible (and I do mean,terrible, lol) sketch that only remotely conveys what I have in my head, but will be sufficient for planning purposes. My sketch makes me wish I was an artist like my husband, mother and father. I don't know if it's the science or my awful coordination, but I stink at drawing. Anyhoo, I digress.....

I'm thinking that the dessert bar will have brownie/cake pops, meringue cookies (aren't they cute!), possibly chocolate candy, red velvet cupcakes (apparently becoming my specialty), regular cupcakes and of course, Granny's cake. There will be candy in tall apothecary jars and the cake/cupcakes will be displayed on a hand built square cupcake stand. Lofty ambitions for a mere mortal such as myself, but I like to aim high, even if I crash :o)

In preparation for that, I think I'm going to do a "dry run" of the bar at home for Christmas. If it looks good at home, it should (in theory) look good at Granny's birthday celebration. If it sucks, I'll just take the cake - Jacques and I will rot our teeth out trying to finish desserts from that point...hardly a downside here. I made my first batch of meringue cookies last night (see picture) and they aren't too bad. They taste pretty good and even though the shaping is sloppy, they're kind of cute. I think that I may have needed to add a little more sugar and cooled the house down before preparing the batter so that the peaks would be more stiff. They also could use a little color; I think I'll try a light shade of purple for the next batch.

Since my task list for improving the meringe cookies is relatively short and because I'm excited about having all of my candy making materials, I think I'm going to try making chocolate/vanilla candy this week. Hopefully things will turn out well. More pictures soon!

Oh....and before I forget - I just want to thank my husband for his wonderful photography skills and for tasting all of my creations. His patience and loving encouragement keeps me excited about life and my baking hobby. --- xoxoxo

My Baking Hobby.....

2010-08-05T04:02:00.001-07:00

I had my first work inspired panic attack today. I had always laughed these things off when I heard about it from other people. Who lets work make them so sick? Anxiety meds? Are you serious? I seriously believed up until today that if you breathe deeply, think carefully and tread cautiously, you could avoid something like this.

That is….until today. See today, when I felt that first pang of nausea and cold sweat, I realized that I’m not the same person I was four years ago when I started this job. When I first started, I was sweet, I believed the best in everyone, I believed in my work, I loved my job, I knew balance and serenity even as the work world was crashing around me. Today – I’m different – I complain, I’m bitter; my mind is troubled from the politics and gut wrenching incidents that have slowly torn my old me to shreds. I’m a drone; willfully complacent and mindlessly accepting trinkets (my paycheck) as a band-aid for the gaping and oozing sores of my psyche. Everyone is the enemy; even “friends” are the enemy. I feel attacked by nebulous forces that only seek my imminent destruction. The biblical concept of “powers and principalities” has never been made more emphatically clear.

I get into my car in the evenings; I turn the music up loud (right now I’ve The Roots’ Doin’ It Again on repeat) and speed away to my husband, my refuge. I tell myself everyday, “Just one more day.”, “Surely, you can do this for another month.”, “Think of how good you have it. In this horrible economy, you’re lucky to even have a job.” It used to be that those statements worked. I’d perk up, pull myself together, flush my pity pot and jump right back in the fray, largely unscathed. These days, those words ring as hollow as the fake smiles and laughter I dole out every morning when I come in.

I look in the mirror at myself, and I am a shadow of who I used to be. I’m fat, lazy and despondent. I’m selfish and find myself caring less and less about the world around me. I give my best effort to exercise off the stress, but some nebulous weight holds me down. My emotions feel raw, yet worn down to the roots. In a sense, work sucks….

But here’s the thing – I don’t believe in coinky-dinks. I am convinced there is a reason for this emotional trauma. I’ve realized something very important; a life in blissful poverty is better than the middle class life. If this sort of panic attack and my meager paycheck are the only rewards for my work, then I believe it’s time for something else.

That something else I believe is baking. It’s a little hobby that I’ve picked up that I think I may have a little gift for. It caters to my scientific and slightly obsessive-compulsive side with exact measurements and chemical reactions, yet pushes me to be creative, something I have not been since I have arrived on planet Earth. Although I’ve just started baking, I am inspired by my successes and motivated by my failures. I see ways for improvement with each new cake or cookie. I see a multitude of desserts to try – I find peace and solace in the ordered chaos of creativity.

I just finished my first cake (beautiful, eh?), and it is sloppy, but breathtaking to me. It is a shining example that I am indeed a thinker and creator. I still have a long way to go before I’m any good at baking, but my small success reminds me of my support system – my husband, my family (including my puppy) and the power I have been given in my own hands. It reaffirms that a fulfilling life has less to do with a paycheck and more to do with how you live each day. Working on each baking project lifts me out of the miry clay of workplace politics and into a place where I shine. For the first time, I have considered leaving this corporate cage and drifting out into blue collar society – baking cakes for some grocery store or bakery near the beach or in some scenic/historic place. My little hobby has taken me to a new place, and for once, I’m pretty excited about it. I am beginning to stitch together the pieces of the old Lindsey and getting happier by the day. Pictures from my next project will be up soon :o)

Simplicity Project 2009

2009-01-01T08:41:00.001-08:00

I have never made resolutions in years past. Every time the acorn/ball/ruby shoe drops, I consider praying more, exercising regularly, eating less, being nicer, dressing better; lots of things. I never made a resolution though, because I knew I could not be serious about them.

However, this year is different. I am to be married this year, and I am beginning to realize that the core of my life will change as of Friday, April 3, 2009 at 3pm, should I blessed enough to attend. With this in mind, I feel as though this is the chance for me to begin my life anew. Hence I am embarking on a new project; one I have termed "The 2009 Simplicity Project". This project is a series of simple, realistic life changes that will make me a better wife, friend, family member, scientist and most importantly Christian.

I do not know that will be able to keep them, and I know that I will fall off of the wagon for most of these things. However, if I keep only one "change", I will have accomplished much. And so, here goes.....

This year, I will spend 10 minutes a day releasing things that are no longer useful to me and especially those things that clutter our space....
This year, I will clean off my desk at work and organize the data that I have piling up. As a scientist, I cannot be efficient if I cannot find my data.
This year, I will spend 20-30 minutes each day doing some form of exercise - not in the hopes of being a knock off Halle Berry, but to be healthier, happier and more energetic.
On the heels of that, this year, I will diligently seek to reaffirm positivity in my life. I will dislodge the deep-seated dislike I have for myself and will learn to accept every element of my being. Even if I have to lie to myself for the first six months..... ;o)
This year, I will make it a point to read at least one leisure book a month. I cannot be so wrapped up in the cares of this world that I forget to de-stress on occasion.
This year, I will face my fears and apply to Duke.....scary thought.....

Lastly, I seek to become a better Christian. I seek to become a Christian that is not just a hearer of the Word, but a doer. I will stop searching for churches; for I have swallowed the red pill. God is not my great big sugar daddy in the sky that will drop down cash whenever I whine. He expects me to feed the hungry, comfort the afflicted, be an advocate for the downtrodden. I will bring my tithes to storehouses that do not operate for the sole benefit of the owner, but for those that are truly less fortunate. Instead of attending some meaningless speech each Sunday, I will make a meal for someone that needs it. I will open my home and my heart for the least of these. I will praise God through volunteering, for I know (especially in the midst of these financially troubling times) that He alone is my source.

When I am not hard at work trying to finish the preparations for the wedding while honoring the terms of my "Project", I will delve into the bible. Really study it.....really try to understand the dark sayings that God meant for us to hear. No more skimming the surface - no "name and claim" malarkey; no trust in my own might; no impotent, flaccid sermons in which I dread being there in the pew and delight when I leave while remembering ZERO. I intend to become what God wants us all to be - not just people who wear our "values" on our sleeves and in the voting booth (a la prop 8 - which was a travesty of justice) - to think with the mind of Christ.

It's going to be a good year, but a very hard year, both personally and professionally.......pray for me as I go forward. Pray that I make a good wife, friend and lover. Pray that I am a crown of jewels about my husband's head, rather than cancer in his bones. Pray that I figure out how to iron clothes and cook food at the same time.....LOL......

I wish all of you the very best in 2009!

I'm Probably Going To Lose All Of My African Friends Over This....

2008-08-07T05:05:00.000-07:00

***Disclaimer: So this is just a little ditty expressing my frustrations with Africa right now. I invite ANY African to set me straight. I want you to set me straight so that this feeling may pass.***

You know, for years, Africa, I have been inspired by you. The pictures I saw in my history books of the royalty of Egypt and Kush, the libraries at Timbuktu, the enormous plethora of riches contained in one place amazed me. Despite Europeans teaching that slavery was ground zero for me, I was proud to be connected to you. That is, until I got a little older….

I started thinking, “Wait, when 25 million of us disappeared from your shores, where were you? When you found out what was happening (i.e. the African Holocaust), what did you do? Did you perhaps contact your local leaders?” I am scouring every resource I have, trying to find the answer….yet; I can’t seem to find that. But that’s okay, I’m sure you did something, you have to have; Europeans can’t be right about everything.

So let’s fast forward a little…well, a couple of centuries…to Hurricane Katrina. Thousands of us, stranded, hungry, dying - United States’ churches of all colors came together to save their fellow man as well as they could. I was inspired and hopeful. I mean, yeah, we OBVIOUSLY have some things to work out, but for that moment in time, you almost would have thought that we cared about each other. And then, something struck me – Sumatra, this place nearly decimated by flood, decided to send back some of their aid because we needed help. Yeah, that’s right; the richest nation on Earth (depending on how you look at it) received help from a smaller nation. Now, whether that aid actually showed up here, I do not know, nor is it consequential to my thoughts. Again, I’m left wondering, “Where is Africa? What do they have to say?” Like a child standing at the window waiting for a unicorn to show up at the front door, knowing it would never come, I waited. I scoured the web and I waited. I watched television (clearly not expecting anything) and I waited. I waited on my husband, my family, my friends to say that they were concerned, even if they could do nothing. I never saw/heard/felt anything. It was then, that everything changed for me. I began to think of us as a one-sided relationship.

So…here’s my current thought on Africa, and it may change, but I doubt in the near future.

Let the chips fall where they may.

See, I see you like some of my wayward family. I find myself gathering books, and food, and health supplies and raising money, and all of this hoopla because I once felt connected to you. I felt okay about shipping resources out of my somewhat crumbling community because you needed it. Now, like a family member who is fed up with being guilt tripped out of money from the intelligent family crack head, I have shut my door (including my wallet) to you. Giving is a two-way street, and so far, I haven’t so much as seen a thank-you note from you. Show me proof, and I’ll change my mind.

I will now concentrate on my own community, here, where I still feel ostracized, but connected. I will redirect my efforts to lift my own people (rather, those that would like some help being lifted) out of the miry clay of dismal health and poverty. Instead of shipping my old books to you, having dual feelings that the books were either being sold or not reaching who I intended, I will read and teach the illiterate in my own community. The money that I shared (and I don’t have a lot, so you won’t miss it) I’ll redirect into helping some kid in my community reach their dream. For too long, I have given in hopes that our connection will get stronger, that you would someday mention us when you’re off begging Europeans for more pop tarts or guns. That day is over…

I see a glimmer of hope in my community. I see a people on the verge of great change, for the better. For all of our rampant issues, I’m beginning to see a people who want more than what they’ve had; something I had hoped to find in you. I’m hurt, Africa….you hurt me, Africa, and I have made excuses for you for too long.

I know it doesn’t matter, you don’t care about me anyway; my skin is too dark and certainly you’d prefer a gun/pop tart from a European than from me, who would provide neither anyway. I can’t say my heart doesn’t bleed thinking about that. Despite my anger and hurt, I still feel a connection to the indifferent Africa. And more than likely, when the next book drive or shoebox drive for Africa occurs, I’ll be there to donate.

Maybe at the end of the day, I need some good news about you….tell me, anyone, what GOOD is happening in Africa right now?

Long Lunch....

2008-05-09T10:08:00.001-07:00

Forgive me.......I took a long lunch today. Feeling the undeniable pressure of the corporate world, I ran off to the local KFC for lunch, scrambling for my keys as I hurried to my car. "I only have thirty minutes!" I thought in my head. I quickly adjusted my mirrors, put on my shades and noted the time. "12:02" I thought in my head, as I contemplated that important lunch math that all of us in the corporate rat race are familiar with.

In the next moments, I found myself racing down Harrison Avenue. Thinking of all the things I had to get done now, all the things to be done next week, next year. Checklist after checklist of things to do, people to call, letters to write, tasks to be completed - I sped into the KFC parking lot and rattled off my order - "Honey Barbeque Strips, please." And then something happened....

Concerned about needlessly air conditioning the outside world from the inside of my Lincoln and inevitable waste of gas it would be to leave the air on while sitting in line (filling up a V8 engine is no joke these days), I rolled all of the windows down and turned the air off.

In the stillness of that brief moment, a soft breeze caressed my face. In all my hurrying, I forgot that I had my favorite jazz song on. The air smelled clean and refreshing. I closed my eyes for the briefest of seconds and took in the environment that God created for me. In my heart, I paused to thank Him for His favor, knowing that He created that moment just for Him and I.

In that moment, the whole day changed.....

I hesitantly opened my eyes and pulled up to the window. I paid for my meal and thanked the cashier for her service. She gave me a fake smile and said "Have a great day." in her phoniest of voices. She probably had to do that all day, so I wasn't angry - certainly in this day and time, people don't seem to appreciate geniune service. I gave her my warmest smile and wished her the same.

The drive back to work was very different than my drive to KFC. Although I felt guilty for buying that chicken, knowing I wouldn't like it and would have to spend a week burning the fat off, I thanked God anyway, because I had food to put in my quaking belly, much unlike many portions of the world. I opened my sunroof all the way, relaxed in my seat, and soaked in the sounds of Greg Chako's "Waves of Love" flowing from my ipod. In those few minutes, I was away from the world of faxes, emails, pointless tasks, the neverending feeling of hopelessness and sadness, the lonely, bitter people determined to cut off my career at the root. I was at peace with the Father...

So rambling story short, I took a long lunch - 31 minutes....but it was worth that extra minute just to be in the presence of God. I stopped worrying about the "don't haves" and the "not dones" and "incomplete" things of my life and I praised Him for just that moment in time.

Stop sometime and feel the peace that God can bring to you. Feel him breathing oxygen into your lungs and beaming sunshine on your face. Take in the trees and flowers....yes, even in pollen season....and take note of the sky. I know I sound like a hippie....I was raised by them, but if you'll stop for one moment, God will meet you where you are and bring peace that no corporate entity can ever take away.

Well, gotta go.....more pointless tasks to attend to! :o)

A Big Dream...

2008-03-10T07:58:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!!

I have no idea how to do this, or even if it's a good idea, but I've decided to share my thoughts on my life (and maybe later the lives of others). Confession is good for the soul, so why not blab my "sins" to everyone....lol

Anyhoo, the biggest issue in my life right now is my big dream. I've always wanted to be a physician. In my formative years, I dreamed of leading a team that helps others take control of their health. I dreamed of ridding my communities of their dependence on ignorance and perscription drugs and ushering in a new era of healthy people. I dreamed of going overseas, especially to Africa, and providing health care to those who could not readily receive it. And then, as if that wasn't enough, once I found out what the MST program was, I wanted to be a clinical physician. I wanted to run the lab AND save some lives...lol. I had a big dream....I wanted God to stretch forth His hand through mine and save the world.

(Maybe that was my first problem.....I presented God with a plan and expected Him to go along with it.)

It's interesting how life really turns out though. I went to school, got great grades, did some volunteering, did almost everything right and then bombed.....I flunked the MCAT and killed my chances for medical school. I stayed deeply depressed about that for some time. A few years in fact, as my fiance can tell you. I picked myself up though, and took a job as a scientist-of-sorts in Research Triangle Park, NC.

Life has been wonderful.....I have a great (and ridiculously funny) family, a future husband that women would kill for (especially if they saw this rock on my hand), a well-paying career, a cute doggy and a nice car. Most importantly, I have grown closer to God, and become a part of Journey Church's (www.takeajourney.org) community. I do Tai Chi on the weekends and hang out in bookstores on Saturdays. Things are great. So why is it then, when I get up in the morning and look myself in the mirror, I'm partially unhappy? Why do I find myself engrossed in my family and friends' health issues? Why can't I let go of what happened in 2004?

I could kind of see if I hated my job, or hated the area that I live in or how my life has turned out thus far. However, I love my job, Cary is snooty, but wonderful and my life has never been better. So what is this pull toward medicine that I haven't been able to let go of? Why do I still find myself studying feverishly for the MCAT (and making some good progress) and applying for volunteer programs that would push me farther into the field?

I don't know....

The good thing is, while I'm pondering all this, I've applied to NC State's Master of Microbiology program. Hopefully, I'll get into the program and be able to engage myself fully. I love science, and sometimes it takes me away from thoughts of medicine. I have to admit though, somewhere, deep down in my heart, I still see myself as a physician.

Anyway, that's my first rambling rant.....feel free to leave comments. Do any of you guys have broken dreams that nag at you every now and again?